Rules & Regulations

Welcome to Nick Gerlach’s Cult. Here are the current official rules and regulations for all members. Please read them thoroughly to gain a perfect understanding. This will help you use them properly in your day-to-day lives. I can change these rules at any time and for any reason and none of you can do anything about it, by the way.


It’s not a religion. It’s more of a marketing startup.


Everyone gets to choose their own title. You don’t have to have a title if you don’t want one.


This cult is the wave of the future.


Consuming all of Nick Gerlach’s media content is required.


Everyone in the cult is equally hot and popular (very hot and extremely popular).


You don’t have to do anything and you can leave whenever you want, just don’t make a big deal out of it, nerd.


There’s no weird sex stuff about the cult, so don’t even make jokes about that. In fact, try to be more creative online in general. Most of your comments aren’t very funny, and if they are, you usually stole them from somewhere else.


You don’t have to like the media content. You just have to consume it.


You may tithe, but you don’t have to tithe, but you may tithe if you wish.


There’s merch.


It’s ok to spend an entire day not doing anything if you want. In this cult, we don’t shame people who “Just Don’t It” for a day. Don’t make a habit out of it, though, or you will stay that way. I guess that’s fine too, Do whatever you want with your own stupid life.


We’re basically out on Jared Leto. He’s a great actor and everything and he’s obviously super fucking hot, but idk, we’re just out on him.


You don’t have to like me just because you’re in this cult. It’s fine


Life is meaningless and your existence is completely random. The memory of almost everyone is completely nonexistent shortly after their death. The sooner you realize that, the less anxious you will become about your life. You should still like get your oil changed regularly and avoid littering, though. You’re not the only person in the world.


Can’t stress enough that the consumption of all Nick Gerlach-related media content is mandated.


Rules can change at any time and for any reason.


Things from when you were a kid are way better than things now. That’s just how it works. Don’t shoot the messenger.


If you’re ever trying to decide who’s cooler between two celebrities, the tie breaker is who has a higher net worth on


Don’t have hopes and dreams. Have lunch.


Don’t stay up past your bedtime.