Top 5 Worst Things About Millennials

Cult Status: Active

It’s fun to hate Boomers. The Golden Generation checking out on raising their kids because of their undiagnosed PTSD from World War 2 led to a terrible generation of people.

There is a whole series of memes about how Boomers are destroying everything for Millennials. To be fair, most of them are pretty on point. The average Millennial won’t own a home until they’re ready to retire and people in their 30s today won’t even sniff social security, but that doesn’t mean Millennials aren’t a completely insufferable generation.

They’re getting too much of a pass in this battle of the generations between them and their parents and here are five reasons why.

Five Terrible Things About Millennials

1. Millennials Are Dramatic – All you need to see to understand how dramatic Millennials are with every detail of their lives is the engagement photos. I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only person sick of seeing the archetypal millennial treat their engagement photos like a Better Homes & Gardens photo shoot catered by Rachel Ray? No way couples are as in love as they look in engagement photos. It’s not humanly possible for two carbon-based lifeforms to like each other that much.

Hey, millennials. You don’t have to romanticize every aspect of your life. This goes for new parents too. Billions of people have had kids, yours doesn’t need their own branded Instagram page.

2. Millennials Are Corny – If you have ever unironically said “Floofer”, “Chonk”, or “Adulting”, please turn yourself in immediately to the local authorities. You sound like a nerd who is also a dork. I love dogs, but they don’t understand what you’re saying anyway, so why are you talking like that?

My theory is that the archetypal Millennial thinks talking like this is funny. This makes sense since Millennials generally have a pretty corny and cringe sense of humor thanks to the 80s and 90s being the two easiest decades to grow up. The biggest problem then was like Bill Clinton got a blow job one time or something.

3. Their Fake Relationship with Hip Hop – No. You weren’t “raised by hip hop”. You lived in a 5- bedroom house in the suburbs and went to a very safe public school that had a pool. Every meme surrounding moms in their 30s being tough or intimidating because they have heard of Tupac before makes me cringe like I’m watching some balding guy in blue jeans and dress shoe’s marriage proposal get shot down on the Jumbotron at a Charlotte Hornets game.

You’re not scary because you know the words to California Love. Every person in America over 22 knows the words to that song. It’s actually a VERY POPULAR SONG. Elmo probably knows the words to California Love. Your relationship with rap music isn’t very special at all.

4. They’re Scared of Everything – If you’re looking for the generation that’s going to stop society from crumbling, don’t look at Millennials. They’re scared to order a pizza over the phone. They call the vaccine “Fauci Ouchi”. They also say “Doing a sad” when they are simply in a bad mood or just watched a rom-com.

Hey guys, bad things happen sometimes in the world. You don’t have to turn everything into baby talk just because it makes you uncomfortable. If I was the leader of another country looking to take over the United States, I would invade right now and just hold up pictures of Voldemort or something.

It would bring a huge chunk of the populace to their knees in fear.

5. Branding – Stop saying branding. If you work at a bank or you’re a stay-at-home mom, you don’t need to brand yourself at all. Every second of your life doesn’t need to be monetized. That will come later in the metaverse when there is no transfer of wealth because Boomers lived too long and all of their retirement savings are put right back into the for-profit healthcare system as they are kept alive on machines we don’t know about yet. That’s if they don’t spend it all on WW2 documentaries and restoring old cars first.

Millennials are corny and boring and romanticize every aspect of their life to a nauseating degree. Goodbye.